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'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.' Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him." A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.' Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.' A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Top economist Valentine's Day cards: 4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm. 3. Let's raise housing starts together. 2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market. 1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you. Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we'll go places! Things not to say on your Valentine's date: 1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 3. I used to come here all the time with my ex. 4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. 5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. 6. I like clay. It's mushy. 7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. 8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. 9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. 10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am. |