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Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you." Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again." John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!" Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?" "No," replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road. A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?" "No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!" Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he asked, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. ... The judge gave me 30 days for perjury." An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes". |