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Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death. A friend asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking". The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one. What's phase one? I've quit buying. On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly. Attainable New Year's Resolutions This year, I resolve to... - Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. - Stop exercising. Waste of time. - Read less. Makes you think. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. - Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. - Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. - Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. - Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. - Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. - Not have eight children at once. - Get in a whole NEW rut! - Start being superstitious. - Personal goal: bring back disco. - Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. - Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. - Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. - Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords. - Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. - Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. - Not eat cloned meat. - Create loose ends. - Get more toys. - Get further in debt. - Not believe politicians. - Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. - Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. - Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. - Stay off the International Space Station. - Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. - Associate with even worse business clients. - Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. - Wait around for opportunity. - Focus on the faults of others. - Mope about my faults. - Never make New Year's resolutions again. |