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His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?" A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man! Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so." That night the princess had frog legs for dinner. During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!" A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas. If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife! Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage? They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?" SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?" SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?" DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing THAT?" SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown." SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!" DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?" SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?" SAFEST: "Here's fifty dollars." DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?" SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left." SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?" DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?" SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today." SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe." |