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Thinking fast she replied "food on the table". Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean. Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest". Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed". That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring. He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'". One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could. "Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked. "I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face." "Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep." All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice. Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face." Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card." Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!" Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants pocket. Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy. Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand." "Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in the other!" Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was plowing to report, "there's a strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants." "Son," the father told him, "if it's the landlord, he wants his rent. If it's the banker, he's come to foreclose the mortgage. And if it's a traveling salesman, you run home fast as your legs will carry you and sit in your maw's lap til I get there!" Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" |