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But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. " The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. " No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!" A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?. The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.' After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession. After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window. Finally the dunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!" So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!" So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks "Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" "I don't know" the pirate says, "but it's driving me nuts!" Yo mamma is so fat: She eats Wheat Thicks. We're in her right now. She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world. She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY." What is green and smells? Hulk's fart. sus |