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1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in A scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. 14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up". 15. Don't use on-line help, it's for wimps. A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked if they would ever sleep with President Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!' Two men are meeting on the street. "It was very cold this morning." "How cold was it?" I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets." A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. "Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs." "That must have hurt," said the judge. "No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers." If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in. Why are men like commercials? You can't believe a word they say. sus |